You can't do it. You're not smart enough. Why bother? Just change your major... I'm sure this sounds familiar to someone else out there.
Academic probation, depression, not caring and rethinking your life; I've been there.
Get comfy and grab some popcorn or a drink.
I came from a stereotypical suburban town outside of NYC. The Real Housewives of NJ is a somewhat accurate representation of my town. Some things are spot on, others are just taken out of proportion for good TV. High school wasn't too challenging. I was able to pull of As without really studying and without really trying. I wasn't sure if that meant I was smart or if it meant the curriculum was easy. My SAT scores were slightly above average.
Since my Sophomore year at high school, I was set on going to Virginia Tech, the heart of the Hokie nation. I applied early decision and was accepted. I was ecstatic. Who wouldn't be? I didn't think it would happen, but I got in to my number one school, and a school that was in the top 20 in the nation for engineering at the time. I wanted to study engineering, but I was an indecisive teenage boy and couldn't pick exactly what I wanted to do. I was in for a surprise.
Moving from suburbia to southwest VA was a big change of pace, to say the least. Convenience of location was left at home with all my friends and great pizza and Italian food (stereotype much?). It was so weird just being in the middle of nowhere, driving on roads where houses were so spread out on lots of land with rolling hills and.... horses, cows, tractors, etc. I could drive ten minutes and still not really be anywhere. Don't forget the cowboy boots... This wasn't a bad thing. It was a welcome change, but required some adjusting. Everyone was much more friendly and there was still a diverse population since it was a larger university. The views and scenery definitely helped to make it worthwhile.
Moving on to academia, now... Boy, that was something I was not expecting. I get my first test back. D. Well, there's a first time for everything. Oh well, I guess I'll study harder next time, or maybe I wasn't studying the right material? I'm in college now, I'll go out and forget about this bad grade I still have time to make up for. It was an endless cycle. Test after test yielded poor grades and I never really came to accept that. I got a C!! That was the new equivalent to an A. I just assumed that everything was hard. I still was used to my high school study habits, but never acknowledged it. Needless to say, I used up all six of my withdrawal credits my Freshman year. HUGE MISTAKE. I wouldn't come to realize that till it came to haunt me later on.
I had to retake some classes, I got behind, I had to catch up over the summer. Fall semester of my sophomore year I was supposed to already be in my discipline within engineering.... I wasn't. I still hadn't decided. I didn't have a good enough GPA to do what I originally wanted, so I sat it out a little bit longer. The next Spring, I finally bit the bullet and just chose a discipline.
Failure was common place. I was just at college. I was just going to classes. I never really thought about it, never really saw things for the long run. I'd finish, I'd get through, I said....but that required more work than I thought. A lot more. I was still getting really low GPAs. You think your 2.9 was bad? Try a 1.7,a 2.1, a 0.61. Yes. Those are real numbers, folks. Up till my senior year, My best semester GPA was a 2.4x. My in major and overall GPA were just as bad. I had been avoiding academic probation by a hair for several semesters, now. anything below a 2.0 overall and I was in trouble... I kept on riding a 2.01. It was bad.
Come Fall semester of my senior year, I was behind on graduation. I ended up getting a co-op with a manufacturing company from May-December, with plans to go back to school the following Spring of my senior year. It went well; I made friends, made some connections, bought a new car, and was living life. When I came back to school, I was drop-kicked in the face. Not really using math for seven months proved to be a challenge coming back to school. In addition, one professor I had literally took my grade from a B to a D because I "didn't show enough work" on tests.... even though I knew what I was doing, and explained it. That wasn't my only bad class. I kind of gave up and stopped trying. I became depressed.
It started when I was doing the co-op. I was hours away from all my friends and people I knew. It made me sad and homesick. It slowly built up. Failing classes and several lady problems (I couldn't quite understand at the time because of everything else on my mind) pushed me over the edge. I fell, and I fell far. I had everything, but I felt like I had nothing. I had a family that cared and supported me, I had a lot of friends, I had the things I wanted, I was at a place I loved, and I had some pretty awesome roommates. It got pretty bad. I wouldn't go out, I didn't like to do the things I liked doing. I just kind of existed. I forced a lot of emotions, tried to seem happy. I was very synthesized, and I'm sure it was obvious to some people. I didn't want everyone to know, so I only told a few people. They helped me through and I eventually was able to get back on my feet by the end of the semester. It was a rough 5 months or so.
Alcohol. I don't think I've met her before, who is that? I didn't drink a whole lot, by today's standards. Even after I turned 21. I usually only drank on the weekends, with the occasional weekday. I was fine just maintaining a buzz... I never really drank to get drunk. I was responsible. This semester changed me. I drank a lot Weekend, weekday, it didn't matter. It got to the point where I would drink the amount I would normally drink an entire month, in just two or three days....There was a point where I would drink or go downtown Wednesday through Saturday, sometimes even Sunday night.... I set a new standard for myself. Most times I would still maintain a buzz or be responsible, but I drank a lot more and a lot more often than I used to and wanted to. I would even drink by myself at home some days. I wasn't happy, and drinking just made it worse. I tried to hide, but it just masked my problems.
Anyway.... that semester. Just no. I ended up on academic probation... I was scared shitless. I talked to my adviser, and saw her routinely. We set a game plan and she helped bring my confidence back and push me. She helped get that academic drive back. I had to take a summer class, and got a B in it. Progress! I finally was seeing some improvement, but I was far from safe. I was now officially 3 semester behind. But on a brighter note, since I was and would be in school for a little longer than most, I was able to spread out some classes and not be killing myself every semester taking 18 credits to graduate. I was now finally "in my major" and back on track, but now with the students who were Juniors. I was in my 5th year, two years older than everyone. I was embarrassed, yes, but we all have our own story, our own reasons. I was excited to be back in the swing of things. Classes were now interesting to me again. This past Fall semester was my best semester yet. I ended up with a 3.6 for the semester. I was safe from probation. Unfortunately, my overall GPA suffers, since there's so much weight behind it now.
Being back on track and having the motivation to do well, to actually care again feels so great. It wasn't easy though. The constant jokes from friends about my academic performance, and the sad, alone, and empty feeling from depression. It wasn't fun. It never will be. Don't joke about depression. It's hard to describe, especially if you haven't experienced it before. Combine that with alcoholism, and that is just asking for trouble. If you know anyone that is depressed, lend out your hand and your ear. Extremely simple acts that show you care can have such an uplifting effect. For me, even a simple hug or smile was enough to make my day better. I know sometimes I seemed soulless when I was hanging out with friends, but just being in their company was good enough. I unfortunately did not know what the fuck I wanted to do with my life... so that's also part of the reason why I'm still in school... I wish I could go back in time and just redo it all, but that isn't the case. I'm stuck with this history, stuck with this past. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from my mistakes. Everyone has a story. This is mine.
Lift your head up. Keep on trying. You'll get through it all...I know I did.
